Day 9: Why Don’t I Like Me?

I had my first therapy session Thursday night. My therapist is nice.  I won’t mind seeing him again in a couple weeks.

That being said, I am glad to have this space to talk to someone. The only thing I kinda have to say is that while I didn’t have any big emotional breakthroughs—I am left wondering: 

Why don’t I like myself? Additionally, why is it so hard for me to accept when people like me?

The second part is a little bit easier for me to draw out. A lot of the time, when people like me, I feel like people like what I do more than they like me. For the most part, I often feel most liked when I do things for other people. Beyond that, I don’t really know why anyone would really like their person doing the thing. I don’t even like the person doing the thing.

I don’t know if I’ve ever known how to accept love, care, or appreciation. To an extent, I kinda know how to love, care, and appreciate others. I don’t know how to do that for myself, and that might be why I don’t know how to accept it and/or soak it in when it’s sent my direction. 

Then again, I work in a place that throws appreciation in every direction like a pro-football player throws dollar bills at a strip club during the off-season. It seems like just about everywhere I look, I see that appreciation thrown every direction except for mine. It has been going on so long that I honestly don’t know how to react when it comes my way. I just freeze up and shrink away inside myself.

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As I write this, I know damn well I need to work harder on my friendships. 

There’s this whole thing where I’ve felt alone among crowds of people, and some of those people do care for me. It’s just easier for me to focus on the people who either don’t care about me or treat me poorly.

When I think of some of my best friendships, it’s hard for me to not think about how some of those friendships soured, or how far apart we’ve drifted. I miss having friends who I saw on a regular basis, or talk to on a regular basis. I just stopped working on these things because of how sad the drifting apart has made me.

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Since Thursday night, I’ve had two holiday parties. They didn’t feel totally socially daunting, however I did feel somewhat worn out at some point, whether it was from a burgeoning jadedness or simple physical fatigue. That being said, it did feel good to recognize some relative comfort in a social setting. 

To be honest, I haven’t felt like total shit in awhile. 

I’ve been working on music again. In fact, I’m working on finishing a beat-tape by the end of the year.  That being said, it really does make me like myself when I craft a pretty good song.

Onward.